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Raising Your Daughter for Ranger School

Right now, two women are enduring the last week of the United States Army Ranger School in the daunting Florida “jungle” phase, as part of a pilot program to help the Pentagon decide how they might open combat specialty positions to women in the future. Throughout their attendance at the course,... 

7 Old Video Game Exclamations You Can Still Use in Parenthood

Back when it was a totally dope diss to say “don’t have a cow, man”, kids had a vocabulary full of pop culture. There was something magical about old video games’ vocal snippets. Because games had limited memory, and because we were dealing with cartridges and CDs instead of... 
NES Controller

Old School NES Games That Prepared Me for Fatherhood

Fathers pull their inspiration from weird places. Some of them pull it out of their own father’s teachings. Some of them pull it out of necessity and learn on the fly. But what indisputably prepares you for fatherhood the most is video games. Old NES games, specifically. Look, that console had two... 
10 Discontinued Snacks

10 Discontinued Junk Foods That My Son Will Never Get the Chance to Eat

Some things are too good (or too bad) to keep around forever. This is especially true in the world of junk food, where brands constantly crank out products based on market trends and flimsy pop culture references. My son will never eat some of the junk food I had when I was younger. I certainly won’t... 
25 Reasons

25 Reasons Kids Should Be Left Alone With Their Dads

Making fun of dads because they are “pretty much just giant children” is soooooooo 2011. Maybe y’all ain’t heard, but dads are getting all sorts of respect lately – not because they’re doing anything different, but because – ugh – who didn’t want... 
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It’s always sad when a dirtbag POS abuses a child. But it’s even more sad when it’s a man that people celebrated as a hero. William Fox, a 66 year old, retired Staten Island cop – one that became the legal guardian of a 17 year old kid he talked out of suicide – cut a plea deal in court that might put him in the slammer for the rest of his life.

Fox entered a “no contest” plea in a Pennsylvania court to nine charges including including incest, corruption of minors, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, indecent assault relating to three victims who lived with him, and obstructing the administration of justice. Like, seriously, this guy’s a butthole of the highest order.


For all you fathers that travel for work and spend time away from your kids – here’s the best creepiest way to remember your kid while on the road: the Dokkiri Hand Case for the iPhone 4.

That’s it, we’ve finished the internet. We’ve seen it all. Ladies and gentlemen, destroy your computers and let’s go outside!


Sauce: Nerd Approved


Very soon, I will be deploying with my Army unit to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. During my deployment, I’m going to try and cover a new angle of daddy parenthood that could use the kind of juice that we’re known for at 8BD. Of course, what couldn’t use the kind of juice we’re known for at 8BD.

I’ve covered military stories before, but in this new arc of posts I’m going to try and cover aspects of parenting itself that fall outside of the traditional life-pattern for nuclear families, and I’m going to do it from my own individual point of view. I basically want to acknowledge that there are a lot of ways to be a father. There are a lot of good dudes who try parenting without being able to be beside their children every day: divorced parents who visit on weekends, travelling workmen, and – of course – deployed dads.

Because, let’s face it, we can’t ALL be work-at-home snobs who feel justified in criticizing other dads just because we change an occasional diaper and help our kids play hookey. No, some of us have to wake up at “oh-dark-thirty” to schlep into work, and some of us have to try parenting via Skype while we work under rocket fire somewhere halfway around the world.


Guess Someone’s Got to Be

I saw this pic on Reddit, and afterwards, tried to find it elsewhere on the internet – and came up short. So I don’t know who the unfortunate dude was that’s sitting second-fiddle. Is it a step-father’s? Is it from a same-sex parenting household? Is the kid just being realistic? We may never know, but this one’s a LOLer.



If you’re the type of dude that’s into monkeys and touching stories about fatherhood, then John Crocker sure is going for your jugular. He studied chimps in Tanzania and worked with Dr. Jane Goodall, the sausage king of Chicago the internationally-known chimpanzee expert.

Crocker talks about taking a chimp named Babu to the park, and how it’s hilariously similar to raising his own kids 38 years later. I’m not calling bulls**t on this, but it seems to me like Crocker’s making a stretch here. Sure, dealing with a chimp in diapers at the park can be like dealing with a kid at the park – but this seems to cut a little too close to my least favorite sentiment that having a pet is like having a kid. Sure, it was different because Crocker was attempting to treat the primate more like a human than a dog, but let’s be honest. Like, let’s really be honest here.

I’m not trying to pick a fight here with Crocker – I’m sure he’s a delightful father and the sheer fact that he’s reflecting on these lessons now while caring for children is – I guess – cool. I’d like to hear the more humorous stories about cleaning up poop or begging the chimp to eat his vegetables and not wolf down his chicken nuggets so fast. Or, the story where Crocker threatens to “turn this car around right now” on a trip upstate.

His sentiment? “For me,” Crocker says, “better than any parenting class or book, was closely observing a skilled chimpanzee mother interact with her three year-old son in the wild.”

You got the wrong books, Johnny.

Sauce: Huffington Post


Back in April, we talked about Peter Spitz, an ex-marine that was shot three times by his wife, and then somehow not allowed custody of his son – even as his wife was in a psychiatric facility. Spitz was left blind and without a sense of smell from that attack. It was an outrageous story that was bad news for fathers; if an innocent man can be shot by his wife, have his mother killed and not receive any visitation with his child, what does a normal dude think he’ll be up against? I mean, Spitz’s wife had even admitted in court that she had attempted to drown their son when he was an infant – and she was then allowed to see the son!

Well, Fathers & Families was more than happy to announce that Peter Spitz has now been awarded FULL EFFING CUSTODY of his son!

The story in brief: Fathers & Families had aided Peter and recommended legal counsel for him. A judge ended up finding holes in the testimonies and intentions of now ex-wife Teresa Spitz, and the Reynolds family, friends that were acting as guardians to the son during the ordeal. The Reynolds family even had strange ties to the Aurora Mental Health facility where Peter Spitz was advised to take a parenting class. As it turned out, a therapist that helped Teresa in court and testified on her behalf was also tied to the Aurora Mental Health facility – and by extension, the Reynolds family and Teresa. So – the judge found all of this to be a little too fishy, and along with other details that F&F outlines in their article, used it to award Peter Spitz custody.

Congratulations, Peter! And if you’d like to read the rest of this story, hit the sauce.

Sauce: Fathers & Families


In Matthew Salesses’ Good Men Project column titled “Love, Recorded” he talks about manhood and married life – and now opens up about his first month with his new daughter.

Salesses wrote in mid-July about the “10 Things Every New Fathers Should Know” – and returns with “What I Have Learned About Babies” (sauced below).

The “sections” of Salesses’ article are like journal entries – and a little glimpse into the life of a father – particularly one that has Korean in-laws visiting. As usual, I’m going to ruin the ending for you – Salesses’ most humorous and honest line is the last: “When we see the pediatrician again, we will have a list of questions that will all end with the answer of ‘normal.’ As in, all babies have these problems. How do parents do it, again and again?”

True. Every word.

And what Salesses won’t know (for awhile) is that once you’re out of the every-second-emergency of a newborn, babies get better. Slowly at first – very slowly, actually. It’s worse before it’s better, and every early milestone is a great success and usually a failure or two as well. Every day at the newborn phase is an opportunity to waste money on something – and later, you figure out it was all a waste of time and some stupid natural free solution was best – usually involving you paying less attention to the baby and relaxing a little yourself.

In any event, if you’d like a quick read that hits home for new fathers and seasoned fatherhood vets alike, check out the sauce below.

Good Men Project


Before I even tell you the story, can we please discuss how incredible it is that we found a fatherhood story in a magazine called Irish Trucker? According to their site, “Irish Trucker is the voice of the haulage industry in Ireland.” Awesome.

Near the town of Holden, Louisiana, one father’s in hot water after letting his son drive him home. But this wasn’t one of those rite-of-passage drives where a father holds his son on his lap and lets him steer in an empty lot.

The 28 year old father was drunk and asleep in the passenger seat of his pickup truck – and here’s where it gets worse – his four year old daughter was also in the back seat. The eight year old son was driving erratically, and another motorist on the road called the police. Troopers pulled the car over, and questioned everyone. The father was arrested on charges of, among other things, child desertion.

Though we commend the father for not driving drunk with two children in the car, there’s got to be other ways to get everyone home safe than putting an eight year old behind the wheel. This guy doesn’t get the “moron of the week” award, but definitely was in the running.

And thank god for Irish Trucker Magazine, amirite?

Sauce: Irish Trucker Magazine