In our series Old Games for New Kids, we suggest a great past-generation game to play with your new-generation children.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003)
by Vivendi Universal – GameCube, PlayStation 2, Windows, Xbox

I love sharing video games with my daughter, but I’ll admit that, lately, I’ve been a little concerned about HOW she plays video games. My kid is six, so the majority of games she plays are either touch-based games on the iPad or motion controller games on the Nintendo Wii. And, as a guy who grew up in the Nintendo generation, I wanted my daughter to spend some quality time with a more old school controller – i.e. a rectangular thing you hold with some kind of directional pad and/or stick and some kind of A/B button configuration. So I set out looking for older controller-centric games that might catch her interest and be simple enough in their design to help her get comfortable using an iconic action-button gamepad design. And the game I landed on was 2003’s The Simpsons Hit & Run.

I realize that I might get some crap for calling a ten-year-old XBox title an “old game” when Zach went back to 1988 with his Rampage review, but I think any game that forces a dad to dust off a mothballed console to share it with his kid qualifies. My daughter loves The Simpsons, particularly Bongo Comics’ fantastic Simpsons comics line, so, when I was looking at my library of potentially age-appropriate games to share with her, The Simpsons Hit & Run stood out immediately. While The Simpsons franchise has spun off numerous video games of varying quality over the years, The Simpsons Hit & Run is easily one of the best and I think it’s a fantastic game to get kids excited about using an old-school controller.

The Simpsons Hit & Run can probably best be described as a kid-friendly version of Grand Theft Auto III. Radical Entertainment got real Simpsons writers – and the real voice cast – to create a storyline built around an open-world version of Springfield. Like GTA, you can either complete missions or just walk around the town, doing whatever you want. This seemed like an ideal kind of game to use to introduce a kid to a traditional controller. My daughter got to sit there with her Homer avatar and the whole world was open to her. She could run in circles, she could practice jumping for ten minutes without fear of a clock or approaching foes, she could stop anyone on the street and take their car to practice driving – open-world games really do create fantastically supportive sandbox environments for kids to teach themselves game mechanics (this was probably the only time in my life where I was glad that the game tutorial was slightly overbearing.) And then, once she was ready, she could start trying missions – the majority of Hit & Run’s missions are racing-related – and see how she performed under slightly more stressful conditions. She got to set the pace.

The added bonus was, whenever my daughter got too frustrated with the missions, she could opt out and just run around this crazy virtual Springfield, collecting coins, unlocking secret jokes, and laughing at the character banter (there might be one or two pieces of slightly inappropriate banter buried in the game, but, hey, she’ll hear worse at school). Here’s a few minutes of gameplay to give you a feel for The Simpsons Hit & Run:

If you want to teach your kid that gaming is more than just swiping their finger across a dirty iPad screen, I can’t recommend enough introducing them to the fun of The Simpsons Hit & Run, one of the best games ever based on probably the best TV show ever, and a game that really show offs how much fun operating a gamepad controller can be.

When my wife and I first found out that we were going to have a kid, we instantly became aware of the “parenting class” industry that had existed in our community for years without ever attracting our attention. Suddenly, there were all of these flyers, newspapers ads, and emails, offering us practical parenting instruction in friendly classroom settings.

And, as new parents-to-be, we were game for them. Almost immediately, we signed up for the childbirth class, the baby care and CPR class, the “how to install a car seat” class, the breastfeeding class, you name it.

(The only classes I remember us opting out of were the “baby massage” class and the “parenting for dads” class, which I found more than a little insulting.)

For the most part, the classes were all fairly valuable. We got some good tips. The classrooms were safe places to ask seemingly dumb questions. It was time well spent. However, as I enter my sixth year as a parent, I find myself wishing that there were more of those kinds of classes offered for moms and dads. The majority of parenting classes are essentially all about “how to deal with a baby”, but there is so much more to parenting than just keeping your kid alive (granted, that IS the #1 responsibility of being a parent, but…you get my point). Should there be continuing education classes available for parents? I say YES. And here are my suggestions for five parenting classes that I really wish were available today:

Pokemon for Parents

It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that WTF

Pokemon is huge at my kid’s elementary school right now and, as the hot intellectual property du jour, it fascinates my daughter to no end. But now my kid wants to actually play Pokemon and, I’m ashamed to admit, I have no freakin’ idea how to do it. I’ve poured over websites, I’ve studied those stupid cards, but it’s like trying to read Chinese translated into Russian and then dropped into a paper shredder. I just can’t decipher it. I don’t know why Audino has 80 HP (hit points?), I don’t know what an energy card does, I have no idea what Chansey’s double tackle does…it’s driving me nuts. I like that my daughter is interested in learning a complex and engrossing role-playing game, but I hate that she’s looking to me to teach her how to play and I just can’t figure it out to save my life.

I’ve Googled “How to Play Pokemon” and “Pokemon for Dummies”, but I have yet to find anything useful or that really speaks to a complete Pokemon laymen. There is an official “parents” page on Pokemon.com – http://www.pokemon.com/us/parents/- but it’s all about the history of the game. It doesn’t actually tell you how to play the damn thing. Someone needs to capitalize on this and start an online “Pokemon for Parents” course. Get some Pokemon experts who can speak to pure novices and have them start from the beginning. Assume nothing. Explain every aspect of the cards. Start a Google Hangout where the instructor leads small groups through very basic Pokemon games. Create friendly forums where parents can ask completely simplistic questions without Poke-masters mocking them endlessly and calling them “noobs.” If I could easily learn how to play it, I’d happy install Pokemon as a fixture on family game night. But, at the moment, in our house at least, they’re just odd monster trading cards covered in unintelligible writing.

Intro to Sports for Parents Who Never Played Sports Before

I can’t be the only parent who’s going through this. My kid started in a youth soccer league and asked me to explain the rules of the game to her. I immediately froze up because I HAD NO IDEA. I played soccer as a kid for one season, but I can’t remember anything beyond “don’t use your hands” and “don’t kick it on your own goal.” I don’t know what the lines on the field mean. I don’t know the difference between a yellow card and a red card. And I don’t know what I should do to help her practice at home beyond… “kicking.” Yes, the coach handles a lot of the instruction for the kids, but, as a parent, I feel like I should be reinforcing the coach’s lessons at home and I can’t just walk up to the coach with a notepad and say, “So, what are the rules again?”

And then there’s this:

Personally, I’d love it if schools or community leagues would host orientation nights specifically for parents who don’t know diddily about the sport their kid is playing. Talk about the rules. Offer some resources. Give some advice on how the parent can help the kid practice at home. Create a safe place for parents to ask stupid questions – this is going to be a recurring theme on this list. Parents NEED to be able to admit their ignorance and request additional knowledge without having to fear being judged by other parents. Because, really, what parent is going to be comfortable walking onto a field filled with soccer moms and sweat-suited dads and admit that they have no idea what’s going on?

A Dad’s Guide to How to Style Girls’ Hair

This is one of the few classes that I think could be parent-gender specific, though I’m sure there probably are some moms out there who might benefit from this too. Once my daughter’s hair got to a certain length when she was younger, we had to do SOMETHING to keep it out of her face or, at the very least, out of her food. So my wife looked at me and said, “Just put it into a ponytail.” And I had to admit – I had NO idea how one would do that. I think this is a really common problem for fathers. Most of us – Fabio and rock stars aside – do not have shoulder length hair. And, even those of us who do have long, luscious locks probably don’t normally French braid it or tie it up in a bun.

NOPE. WAIT…NOPE.

When I have to “do” my daughter’s hair, I have one move – the ponytail. And I got that “one move” only after I made my wife let me practice giving her ponytails for a week before I even attempted trying one on our kid. To this day, I have no idea how to braid, bun, or style my daughter’s hair, which is particularly a big pain when my wife goes out of town. I would love it if a local cosmetology school would host a weekend workshop where ignorant dads could bring in their daughters and have some professionals show them how to handle their hair. It would just be nice to get some advice and practice in a controlled setting without having to stress out my wife or accidentally tear out clumps of my poor kid’s Rapunzel-esque hair.

How to Road Trip with Your Kids

We road-trip a lot as a family and, every time we hit the highway, I feel like I learn something new. There’s something really daunting about packing your family into the car and spending a few hours (or days) on the open road, particularly for new parents, and I think it would be really valuable to have a forum where experienced road-trippers could pass on their knowledge. The first time we road-tripped with our baby, we packed like we were preparing to invade Normandy. And, not only was 80% of that stuff useless, but we also ended up not bringing most of the items that actually would’ve been really useful.

Yes, it’s lovely that my local firemen can teach me exactly how to install a car seat, but why can’t someone teach me the best and worst kids’ snacks for a long car ride? Or which restaurant franchises have the cleanest bathrooms? (My vote is for Panera and Starbucks.) Or how you can use the hot water in gas station coffee machines to warm a bottle? Or the pros and cons of letting your kid eat in the car? Or why you always, ALWAYS should pack Ziploc bags, paper towels, and Febreeze on every trip? There are so many basic practical planning and supply issues that any parent preparing for a car trip should know about and, personally, I think a lot of moms and dads would jump at a chance to attend a “road trips for beginners” class before they head out for their first voyage in the family roadster across the country to WallyWorld.

How to Teach Your Kids Math

This would essentially be a teacher teaching parents how to be teachers themselves, but I think it could bring a ton of value to parents with elementary-aged kids and older. My daughter is currently learning basic math in first grade and I’m trying to help her as best as I can. And it’s not that I don’t understand first-grade math. I do (really, I do). I can add, subtract, tell time, measure things, etc. However, if there’s an area where I’m weak, it’s probably in my ability to explain those concepts coherently to my kid. When I help my daughter add things, I often find myself using my fingers as examples. But is that a good thing? Should I be teaching her to rely on her fingers? I’m not a teacher, so I don’t know what the preferred methodology is. Should I be telling her to imagine a number line? Should I just be pushing her to memorize common addition and subtraction problems? I have no idea.

I want to help my kid learn math in the best, most efficient way possible, but I’m not an educator. Like most parents, I’m making it up as I go – which works fine 99% of the time – but, if it was available, if there was a class or a short workshop where teachers could instruct parents in effective ways to demonstrate math concepts to kids, I’d sign up faster than a southbound train leaving Detroit at 7:00 pm to Chicago at 75 mph and…crap, I can’t even make up a hypothetical question.

I need help.

I attended my first-ever Daddy-Daughter Dance this past weekend. I know some fathers love these kinds of events, but I was fairly apprehensive about going.

Why? Because aside from perhaps family weddings, when does a father ever get dressed up, buy his date flowers, and go dancing without there being some kind of romantic agenda on the table?

I almost have panic attacks whenever I think back to all of those poor, unfortunate girls who danced with me at high school proms, tolerating my sweaty awkwardness as we lumbered through the long version of “The Lady in Red”.

I have a lifetime of iconography, emotions, and baggage that my mind associates with formal dances, so the idea of attending one with my DAUGHTER…yeah, it made me uncomfortable.

Fortunately, the night ended up being much less strange and much more benign than I thought it would be. As we walked onto the decorated rec center basketball court, the DJs were playing John Mayer’s “Daughters”. (Of course, they were.) The rest of the night was spent listening to Taylor Swift and “Gangnam Style”. There was face-painting and cookies and, after the scheduled balloon drop accidentally dropped half an hour early, my daughter and her friend asked if we could leave, so they could play at home. There were a few über-intense dads who seemed a little too emotional during some of the slow dances, but, largely, the night was, if not innocent, fairly innocuous.

But I think the almost exclusive use of the word “date” to describe father-daughter interactions just promotes this sick romanticization of our relationship that’s detrimental to both of us.I would never criticize a father for taking their child to a Daddy-Daughter Dance (especially now that I’m a member of the club). I really appreciate fathers who actively look for special events to share with their daughters. But I do have an issue with how society portrays father-daughter interactions, a portrayal that is, in part, reinforced by events like Daddy-Daughter Dances.

You see, dads and daughters, apparently, can’t just spend time together. They can’t hang out. They can’t go on field trips. Rather, if a father and daughter are out together in public, everyone says they’re on a daddy-daughter date. That’s the word they use – DATE.

For the record, I do not want to go on a date with my daughter.

Do I want to spend time with her? Of course I do. She’s a fantastic lunch companion, I’ve never seen anyone enjoy a trip to a museum more than she does, and there are few things in the world I enjoy more than having a long, rambling conversation with her while we lazily walk around the zoo with her on my shoulders.

But, if I’m being honest, the term “Daddy-Daughter Date” just creeps me out to my core.

Why? Because I went on dates, a lot of dates, before I met her mother, and many of those dates were flirty, awkward, tense, embarrassing, and, occasionally, sexual. And I don’t like associating ANY of those words with my relationship with my daughter.

I’m not saying that the word “date” is an inherently sexual word. It isn’t. The term “play-date” is one of the most common parenting terms around. However, beyond play-dates, in the context of parenting, “date” has become a very gendered word. The easiest way to tell this is to just look at how the word “date” is used.

If I said, “I’m going out on a daddy-daughter date tonight,” people would say “aww”, I’d get appreciative winks, and some old woman would come out of nowhere, take my hand, and whisper, “She’s a lucky girl” (I swear this has happened to me before).

Pic Related.

If a Mom said, “I’m going out on a mommy-son (or even mother-son) date tonight,” people would look around nervously, eye contact would be avoided, and that same old woman would take her hand, much more tightly, and whisper, “You’re going to ruin him.”

“Daddy-daughter date” brings to mind Atticus Finch and Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird. “Mother-son date” brings to mind Lucille Bluth and Buster from Arrested Development.

The Mom could say “We’re going to spend some mom-son time” or “We’re taking a mom-son trip” – either of those options probably wouldn’t cause anyone to raise an eyebrow. But add in that word “date” and it starts getting uncomfortable. And it only gets more uncomfortable when you start associating it with father-son relationships.

A dad would never say “I’m going out on a father-son date tonight to Home Depot.” Or even worse – a “daddy-son date.” I know that doesn’t have the same playful alliteration as “daddy-daughter,” but it’s telling that most dads would never use the casual term “daddy” when describing their relationship with their son, unless the son in question was less than a year old. Daddies don’t play with their big-boy sons. It’s just fathers. Fathers and sons.

And fathers and sons don’t go on dates. They own plumbing supply stores. Maybe they’ll enter a pine-box derby together. Meanwhile, I can’t take my daughter out to lunch on my own without someone asking me if we’re on a “date”.

I realize there’s an element of semantics to all this. (Complaining about a word makes me feel like a hacky Seinfeld clone – “Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?”) But I think the almost exclusive use of the word “date” to describe father-daughter interactions just promotes this sick romanticization of our relationship that’s detrimental to both of us.

I know my daughter loves me, but I don’t want her to LOVE me. Yes, it’s very common for sons and daughters to, at one point, express their desire to marry their parents, but that’s a fairly innocent phenomenon. They see the bond between their parents, they know they always want to be with their parents, they don’t totally understand what a married relationship is – I can understand why they’d ask to marry their moms or dads.

But, as the kids get older, there is this odd societal tendency to pair up the sons with the mothers and the dads with the daughters. The mothers are held up to be the “domestic ideal” for their sons, experts at cooking and kissing boo-boos. The dads, on the other hand, are just held up as “ideal men,” which is a terrible role for a dad to fall into. Because who can live up to that? And who would want their daughters to end up with a partner that’s “just like them”?

That creeps me out more than anything else. If, when my daughter eventually finds someone to love, that person acts exactly like I do, I will know I’ve done something wrong. Because I’m not trying to condition my daughter with my love. I don’t want to teach her that people who like bad jokes, comic books, and Doctor Who are the best kind of people in the world – maybe the kind of person she might just end up with one day. I want her to have her own preferences and make her own choices, without having me unconsciously influence her notion of an “ideal” partner.

I want her to find someone who gets her excited for her own reasons. Maybe she’ll be into tattoo enthusiasts or chemical engineers or strong, silent types. (I am the opposite of all of those things.) I want that decision to be up to her and her alone, and this notion that she and I go out on “dates”, I think it gets in the way of that. It muddies the waters. It misrepresents our relationship.

I have a beautiful paternal relationship with my daughter. I’m her dad and I love and protect her. I also have a ridiculous amount of fun when I’m in her company. But, when I hang out with everyone else in my life whom I love and enjoy, I never call it a date. That word is reserved for my trips out with my wife, the woman who I capital-L “Love.” So, why would I use that term for hanging out with my daughter?

When I’m spending time with my daughter, it can be an event, an outing, an experience, an excellent adventure – whatever. But, alliteration be damned, daddies and daughters simply should not date.

I spend time with my daughter and I enjoy her company. Our relationship is strong enough that I don’t need to make it any more cutesy or romantic and, c’mon, why would I want to? I’m her dad. And that’s enough.

In my article last week, I discussed how the question of “When is it appropriate to show your kids the Star Wars movies?” can become a very contentious and hotly debated topic amongst parents. And I also mentioned that I have not allowed my own five-year-old daughter to watch the Star Wars films yet, even though she really, really wants to. But here’s where I want to make an important distinction – just because I won’t let my kid watch the Star Wars MOVIES, that doesn’t mean that I keep her away from all things Star Wars.

I mentioned in my last post that every kid in my daughter’s school has Star Wars on the brain, so, I’ll admit, I didn’t want her to be the only kid in school who didn’t know what a Wampa was. She even got invited to a Star Wars-themed birthday party and I really did not want her to be the odd kid out. But I also wasn’t going to backtrack on my original decision to not show her the movies. (I actually know of some parents who’ve shown their kids the Star Wars movies solely to help them deal with peer pressure… which is kind of sad.)

So, how did I let my kid “experience” Star Wars without actually seeing the Star Wars films? Here are a few techniques I used to help my kid become Star Wars-savvy without having to reverse my original decision. (Before we begin, yes, I understand that many of my distinctions about “what is appropriate” for my five year old might sound extremely subjective, but 99% of parenting is making things up as you go. You’ve just got to do what feels right for you.)

What do you do if your kid’s not ready for the Star Wars movies yet?

Let Them Experience Star Wars in the Most Old School Way Possible, i.e. The Oral Tradition

The best scene in the underwhelming dragon flick, Reign of Fire, is a moment where Christian Bale acts out the Star Wars movies for a group of rapt young children who grew up in a post-apocalyptic England where it wasn’t exactly easy to get a copy of the original trilogy on Blu-ray:

It’s a funny moment that nicely plays into the idea that movies like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings really do stand as the hallmarks of our modern mythology, and it gave me a great idea.

When my daughter came home from school, asking about Star Wars again, I sat her down and said, “OK, I’m going to tell you the story of the three Star Wars movies.” (I’m a purist. Don’t talk to me about the prequels.) And, for the next hour and a half, I walked my daughter beat-by-beat through the entire trilogy. She LOVED it and so did I. Yeah, I was spoiling things left and right, and I occasionally messed up a few details (or stumbled when asked to explain something), but it was an enormously fun storytelling experience that really drew us both in. She asks me to retell her the story of the Star Wars movies every few weeks and, even though it takes a fair chunk of time to get through everything, it’s totally worth it. And her retention of details is amazing. Even though she’s never seen the movies, by their description alone, she could pick Bib Fortuna or Grand Moff Tarkin out of a line-up with no trouble at all.

Be a Curator – Selective Screenings of Star Wars Clips

While I don’t think my daughter is ready to watch all of the Star Wars films yet, that doesn’t mean that I think every single moment of every single Star Wars movie is inappropriate. So, as a special treat, I occasionally go on YouTube and find clips of Star Wars that I think my daughter will enjoy. And, since I know the movies fairly well, I know exactly what to show her and when to stop showing her a clip. For example, my daughter really wanted to see a scene with “Padme and lightsabers” (to quote her). My thoughts immediately went to the arena fight in Attack of the Clones. I found a clip, brought it up on my iPad, and (most importantly) I controlled the video playback. That meant I could skip parts, I could rewind, and I could stop whenever I wanted. So, while I could show my daughter Padme fighting the vicious Geonosian cat beast, I could also stop the clip well before Mace Windu chopped off Jango Fett’s head (right in front of Jango’s son). It was one way that I could reward my daughter’s interest in Star Wars while still controlling exactly what she was allowed to see and hear.

Try Out Some Star Wars Comics and Picture Books

There are many Star Wars books out there and a lot of them are complete crap. There are some DK Reader Star Wars books where you will swear that the book was dictated out loud by someone with a very serious closed-head injury. But that doesn’t mean that all Star Wars books are bad. If your kid is interested in Star Wars and hasn’t seen the movies yet, there are several graphic novel collections that can let them experience the Star Wars films in really dynamic ways. If your child is into the Clone Wars, try out the Star Wars Clone Wars Adventures collections by Dark Horse Comics. These collections gather various short stories, illustrated in the style of Genndy Tartakovsky’s original Clone Wars shorts for the Cartoon Network. The stories are fun, fast, and very kid-appropriate.

Don’t you wish this was still a thing?

If your kid is into the original trilogy, Dark Horse also published a fantastic series of Star Wars Manga collections that retell the first three (and best) Star Wars movies in the style of Japanese comic books. The Star Wars Manga graphic novels are all in black-and-white, but their design and kinetic storytelling makes them very appealing to young readers. And, if you have a really young Star Wars fan at home, you should definitely check out Jeffrey Brown’s inspired picture book Darth Vader and Son, which shows the Dark Lord of the Sith patiently trying to raise a young Luke Skywalker like any normal father would. (The best moment is when Darth tries to talk Luke out of buying a Jar-Jar doll at a toy store – “This is not the toy you’re looking for.”) Plus, now that Disney owns Star Wars, it’s a safe bet to assume that that the House of Mouse will start publishing even more youngling-appropriate Star Wars books and comics in the near future (possibly published by the also-Disney-owned Marvel Comics).

Embrace Lego Star Wars

A set of Star Wars mini-figs on From Bricks To Bothans (click pic to see thread)

I’m actually not sure what’s more popular with kids these days – Star Wars or the Lego version of Star Wars. Lego Star Wars is a HUGE deal with elementary school kids, even with the kids who aren’t particularly into Legos. While there are some die-hard Lego fans who love spending two weeks putting together a Lego Imperial Destroyer, I know far more children who are more into the overall Lego Star Wars “aesthetic” – kids who have their parents put together their playsets, never break them apart again, and who just bought the set in the first place so they could play with the mini-figures. (My daughter is one of those kids.) And there are also Lego Star Wars cartoons (we love the “Bombad Bounty” short online) and video games that are all age-appropriate for younger Star Wars fanatics. While, yes, there are things about Lego Star Wars that drive me nuts – the mini-figures are crazy expensive on eBay, thanks to sad thirty-year-old collector dorks – it is a very irreverent, quirky way to introduce kids to the overall Star Wars experience.

And, due to the overwhelming success of Lego’s kid-if-ication of the Star Wars franchise (which worked much better than the Droids/Ewoks Saturday morning cartoons from the 1980s), other family-friendly properties have also made it possible to share your Star Wars geekery with your kids in some occasionally fun and decidedly “meta” ways. Some of these are fairly lo-fi (Star Wars Monopoly), some are really, really terrible (Star Wars Squinkies, a.k.a. the weird little eraser people that most kids just end up losing or eating), and some are hardwired into the minds of the iPhone generation. While my daughter may not have seen Empire Strikes Back yet, she’s chomping at the bit to play Angry Birds Star Wars when it’s released later this month.

Four Words: Star Wars Dance-Off

I mentioned earlier about using YouTube to show my daughter Star Wars clips, but there are other Star Wars videos that we’ve watched online far, FAR more often than just simple clips of the speeder bike scene in Jedi. Possibly our most watched Star Wars videos EVER are the videos from the annual “Hyperspace Hoopla”, a hysterical fully-in-costume character dance-off that they perform at Disney’s Hollywood Studios’ Star Wars Weekends every year. Granted, I know some parents and Star Wars geeks that HATE this show with a vengeance, but personally, I think it’s wonderfully bent and goofy, and kids go WILD watching the videos. My daughter cackles like a madwoman every time we watch one.

Every year, you might see Chewbacca dancing to “Welcome to the Jungle”, Darth Vader and Boba Fett performing “Smooth Criminal”, or Padme and Leia teaming up for their rendition of the Spice Girls’ “Tell Me What You Want”. Is it kind of dumb?

YES, but it’s very self-consciously dumb and fun and just entertaining as hell. The performances are extremely tongue in cheek, and I think the videos are a great way to deflate the pomp and circumstance surrounding the movies and show kids that Star Wars, first and foremost, should be a whole lot of fun.

(Unrelated: the header image from this story is from 1993′s incredibad Star Wars Chess, by The Software Toolworks)

I’ve stumbled my way into many, many heated discussions surrounding divisive parenting issues since becoming a parent. There are certain topics that just seem to bring the worst out in moms and dads, issues where parties on both sides feel defensive, attacked, and vastly self-righteous all at the same time. The topics range from breast-feeding to TV-watching habits to the question of “If your child has a late birthday, should you send them to kindergarten earlier or later?” (That last one is a particular party-ruiner.)

But, while I’ve battled my way through debates on all of those issues and more, possibly THE most contentious parenting issue I’ve encountered so far was one I wasn’t really expecting. If you really want to see a group of modern parents tear each other from limb to limb, just take a deep breath and ask, “So, when do you think it’s appropriate to show your kids the Star Wars movies?”

Ask that seemingly simple question in the wrong company and watch out – you’ll get torn apart like a nerf-herder in a Sarlaac pit. It’s just a very oddly charged issue with parents today. We are a generation that was raised on the Star Wars movies and so it’s natural that, as parents, we have the urge to share those films with our children.

Plus the interest level in Star Wars among modern kids is EXTREMELY high. I have a daughter in elementary school right now and Star Wars is, without a doubt, the most popular commercial property for that age range. Her classmates all have Star Wars clothes and toys, they play Star Wars video games, they’re having Star Wars birthday parties – they can’t get enough. And, now add to that, Disney’s recent acquisition of the Star Wars franchise, which pretty much guarantees that, more than ever before, kids are on the verge of being completely inundated with new Star Wars movies, toys, comics, and theme park attractions. Think about it – Princess Leia is now OFFICIALLY a Disney Princess. So I understand that it must seem really natural for many parents to introduce their kids to Star Wars as early as possible.

From the PG-13 Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

However, just because kindergarteners are interested in Star Wars, does that mean they’re actually ready to see the movies yet? Even though Star Wars has become a fairly family-friendly property over the past few decades (a trend that the Disney purchase confirms), the motion pictures themselves do have appreciable levels of terror and violence. Princess Leia and Han Solo both get tortured, hands are cut off left and right (pun intended), major characters (both cute and sinister) die frequently, a woman is turned into a bikini-clad slave girl to a giant gangster slug, guns are fired almost constantly (and occasionally they hit their targets), and whole planets are wiped out with one shot of the Death Star. Yes, there are countless kid-friendly mini-figures of the Star Wars characters, safe for children 3 and up, but can you really say the same thing about the movies?

Almost every parent I know has a different opinion of when it’s appropriate to show their kids the Star Wars movies. And I agree with that approach – a parent should know their kid better than anyone else and a parent should be able to make the judgment call regarding when they think their child will be able to handle and enjoy watching movies like the Star Wars trilogies. But, just a heads up to new parents, talking about that decision can be a very hot button issue with other parents. If you comment publically that your four-year-old kid is way too young to watch Star Wars, you might just be standing next to a parent who let their kid see Star Wars when they were three. (That’s happened to me.)

And, even if you can manage to be civil about it, trust me, those conflicting parenting decisions can bring an awkward and charged tension to the room. I’ve seen way too many parents angrily freak out when their ability to “gauge the age-appropriateness of Star Wars” appeared to be challenged. (Such a weird thing to get mad about.)

At this point, let me just out myself as a parent who HASN’T let their kid watch Star Wars yet. My daughter is five and a half and she’s OBSESSED with Star Wars – it’s all over her social world – but, in my opinion, I don’t want her to see the films yet. Do I think they’re too dark and violent? Yes. Is that decision based on my personal perception of my daughter’s capacity to handle darkness and violence? Hell yes. Do I look down on other parents who have shown their kids the Star Wars films at much younger ages? No…unless they start judging my decision and then I can totally get all catty and bitchy about it.

It’s a personal decision that I’ve made and I’m fine with it, but I do recognize the need to address the issue diplomatically around other parents. I think the key is to just be sensitive to the parents around you and treat Star Wars-talk in the same way that you’d treat religion or politics in mixed company.

This, of course, will seem ridiculous to many of you. They’re just MOVIES. And they’re movies with space slugs, robots, and 1970s haircuts. Why should talking about some dated sci-fi flicks be such a contentious parenting issue? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it all stems from the fact that people don’t like to feel judged, particularly when they’re sharing their beloved childhood icons with their kids.

Regardless, I’m sticking to my guns and not showing my daughter the Star Wars movies until I feel she’s ready. That’s just part of being a parent. My house, my rules, and all that.

But, like I mentioned, Star Wars is the biggest thing EVER with kids her age, so it raises the question – am I going to willfully keep her in the dark while kids all around her play Empire vs. Rebels? Of course not. But there are ways to let your child experience Star Wars without having to let them sit down and watch – what you regards as – an inappropriate movie.

So, come back next week to read the second half of my treatise on introducing Star Wars to your child – “How to Let Your Kid Experience Star Wars If They’re Not Ready for The Movies Yet”.

(This article was reprinted by The Good Men Project and The Huffington Post)

I can’t imagine that any dad is entirely comfortable taking their daughter underwear shopping. Blogger Jim Higley did a great article back in April about taking his older daughter on shopping “dates” to Victoria’s Secret, and Higley really conveyed that wonderful, uncomfortable panic that can overcome a dad who’s forced to stand too long in the lingerie and unmentionables section.

While moms have their own unique on-the-job difficulties, I know way too many dads who are perpetually nervous about unwittingly coming across as a pervert or a pedophile, thanks to stupid societal prejudices about the perceived dangers of men interacting with children. And, though I disagree with all of those stereotypes, I will admit – when I linger in the girls’ underwear section at Target, my personal levels of social anxiety go off the charts.

Fortunately, unlike Higley, at the moment, I’m getting off fairly easily when it comes to taking my daughter underwear shopping. She’s only five years old, so I’m (hopefully) years away from flop-sweating and avoiding eye contact while I hold a purse next to the Victoria’s Secret changing rooms in the mall. Right now, we just go to Target or Kohl’s, she sees a six-pack of underwear with her favorite characters on it, I toss it in the cart, and we’re good to go. Character underwear makes undergarment shopping super-easy and predictable for the parents of young children.

Or so I thought.

Our underwear shopping system seemed to be going fine until my daughter discovered the existence of the BOYS’ underwear aisle.

“DAD! Come over here!”

I followed her voice and found my daughter standing, slack-jawed and indignant, looking at the much, much larger and more varied selection of character underwear in the boys’ aisle.

“They have Lego Star Wars underwear! And superheroes! OH! And Phineas and Ferb! Dad, can I get these? Do they have girl ones?”

And I had to stand and tell her that no, no, they didn’t make girl versions of these brands of character underwear and I didn’t really have a good explanation why.

The Girls’ underwear aisle at Target. Where’s Wonder Woman?!

If you’re unfamiliar with the world of children’s character underwear, here’s a quick breakdown:

In the GIRLS’ aisle, they have underwear featuring Disney Princesses, Hello Kitty, Monster High (a goth-themed toy line), and maybe a few Nickelodeon-branded kids shows (iCarly, for example). That’s it.

In the BOYS’ aisle, they have underwear featuring Star Wars (both LEGO and regular versions), DC Superheroes, Phineas and Ferb, Toy Story, Batman, Transformers, The Avengers – it’s a much larger character pool.

And, while I might (might!) begrudgingly admit that a majority of girls might not care for Transformers underwear, a LOT of the other so-called “boy” characters really do appeal to a wide cross section of children, both boys and girls.

For starters, Phineas and Ferb. EVERY kid I know loves this show and, even though the two title characters are boys, I don’t think the show has a gender-specific appeal at all. Phineas and Ferb actually has a nice selection of active female characters. And Toy Story? It’s one of the most successful children’s film franchises of all time and, while yes, it didn’t feature any sparkly princesses, I’m pretty sure that young girls made up a huge portion of its audience.

We did actually once find a pack of Pixar-themed underwear for my daughter, but even that was a little weird. They couldn’t just have WALL-E. They had to have WALL-E hugging EVE with a big red heart behind them. And Buzz and Woody couldn’t appear on any of the underwear, but Jessie and Bullseye could.

Do kids’ underwear manufacturers think that, if they put an image of a male character on girls’ underwear, that it will somehow turn the girls into boy-crazy sex maniacs? The logic completely escapes me.

What do kids’ underwear manufacturers think when they gender underwear?

My big issue is that my daughter is a HUGE comic book, Star Wars, and superhero fan, and, in my vast shopping experience, I have NEVER found any girls’ character underwear that spoke to any of those creative properties. FINE – If you think that having Anakin Skywalker on her undies will turn my daughter into a lusty, inhibition-challenged Jedi-chaser, then just let her have some underwear with Princess Leia or Ahsoka Tano on it, OK? But none exists.

There’s a pack of boys’ DC Superhero underwear that only has the logos of various superheroes on them. Why couldn’t they make those for girls? If the Superman “S” or the Batman bat symbol can appear on boys’ undies, why can’t you stick the same logo on girls’ undies and just call them Supergirl and Batgirl underwear? I couldn’t even find her any Wonder Woman underwear, even though I know my sister was the proud owner of Wonder Woman Underoos back in the ‘80s.

See? That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Yes, it’s sexist, but it’s also just weird and sad. Why can a boy walk around with Yoda on his underwear, but a young female Star Wars fan can’t? It’s gender marketing at its very worst.

So, what did I do? I let her buy and wear the boys’ underwear.

Why not? Yes, it hangs a little low in the back and, yeah, there’s the front flap, but, c’mon, NO kid (and barely any adults) ever uses that flap anyway.

And she absolutely LOVES them. Now she has Lego Star Wars undies (some of the boys’ ones DO come with images of Princess Leia on the butt), Toy Story undies, and a nice selection of DC Superhero underwear.

She adores the variety of her new character underwear and she definitely switches back and forth between brands – one day, she’ll rock the Disney Princess underwear followed by Chewbacca underwear the next day.

In her mind, Star Wars, Pixar, and superheroes aren’t just for boys, so wearing them on her underwear doesn’t feel odd at all. But, thanks to stupid gender marketing, there are whole generations of girls being told that these creative properties that they love ARE NOT for them. And, again, that’s sad and strange and seems to be leaving a whole lot of money on the table for the underwear manufacturers.

Believe me, sinister masters of the character underwear industrial complex, if you make Star Wars and superhero underwear for girls, they will sell. Because a) Young girls don’t view those as boy-only properties and b) As a parent, I will force my daughter to buy them if it means I get to leave the underwear section of Target any sooner, preferably without a pack of Miley Cyrus or iCarly underwear in my cart.

Don’t tell my wife, but I developed a lot of secret personal agendas once I became a parent. For example, I was determined to convince my child that Jim Henson’s Labyrinth was an epic movie (Accomplished!), I wanted my kid to love Donald Sobol’s Encyclopedia Brown mysteries (Achievement unlocked!), and I was dead-set that my daughter would have perfect movie theatre manners (Hat trick! She sometimes even shushes me!). But, if I’m being honest, more than anything else, I really wanted my daughter to love comic books. I am a big comics nerd and it was just a major part of my life that I wanted to share with her.

And, thankfully, she does. She really, really does love reading comics. She’s got her own ever-growing collection of comics and graphic novels and, every time we get in the car, she has to bring along a few comics to read in the back seat. I’m a lucky dad.

However, I realize that there are dads out there who might have to contend with children who might not be interested in comic books and would rather spend their time participating in sports (What?) or academics (No!). But, believe me, there’s still hope.

If you’re an expecting parent, a new parent, or just a parent who can’t seem to get their kids into comic books, I thought I’d share a few tips and techniques that I used that definitely seemed to get my kid interested in looking at and reading comics on her own.

Pro Tip #1 – Let Your Kid See You Reading Comic Books

Kids learn by imitating their elders, so if you really want to turn your child into a Marvel Zombie or a citizen of the DC Nation, you HAVE to let them see you reading comic books around the house. Now, this can be hard if you tend to read comics that are “adult” in nature. I spend a fair bit of time making sure that my copies of Scalped, The Boys, and American Vampire are always on a high shelf and away from prying eyes. So, the trick is finding comics material to read around your children that won’t completely warp their minds if they happen to look over your shoulder. For example, my daughter LOVED watching me read Bryan Lee O’Malley’s Scott Pilgrim series. The design of the trades intrigued her, the character design was cartoony in all the right ways, and the manga-art style really drew her eye. They quickly became the kinds of comics she wanted to read on her own one day.

Pro Tip #2 – Let Your Kid Read Some of YOUR Comics

This might sound like an obvious extension of Tip #1, but it involves actually letting your young kid put their sticky little hands on your precious comic books. My daughter LOVES it when I give her a toy or a book that belonged to me. One of the best times I ever had was bequeathing all of my Batman: The Animated Series action figures to her and watching her go nuts with them. Granted, I had to accept the fact that, by giving those toys to a kid, there was a VERY good chance that some of them would be destroyed. And you know what? BIG DEAL. It’s part of being a parent. Books are made to be read, toys are meant to be played with, and you simply can’t get mad at a child for accidentally ripping a comic or breaking a toy. Plus there are ways you can deal with it. For example, after my daughter saw me reading two of my favorite comics of all time – The Gumby Winter and Summer Fun Specials, with art by Art Adams and story by Bob Burden and Steve Purcell – I quickly ordered her own copies of both books from eBay. They looked exactly like mine and she didn’t know. But she appreciated that I was sharing something I loved with her and it really made her treasure the books.

Pro Tip #3 – Find a Good Kid-Friendly Comic Book Store

This can be harder than it seems, depending on where you live. A few years ago, the closest comics store to my house was this dank, dusty hole that I affectionately nicknamed “the Pedophile’s Basement.” It was packed with crap, disorganized, user-unfriendly, adult comics and kids comics were shelved together, and the staff couldn’t give even the slightest damn about anything other than scamming kids out of valuable Pokemon cards. It fulfilled EVERY negative stereotype about comic book stores out there. But, then, not too long ago, a new comic store opened up in our town and it was a sight to behold.

The owner was a parent and he made an effort to design his store in a way that made it look like a bookstore rather than a creepy collector’s storage unit. The store was bright and wide-open, with a dedicated kids’ section, complete with kid-sized chairs, shelves, and a play-table stocked with Lego Batman toys. And the employees were all incredibly welcoming and helpful to even the biggest comics newbie, encouraging them to browse and answering questions – rather than scowling and snarking under their breath. I can take my daughter into this store, set her loose in the kids’ section, and I don’t have to worry about her. I know she’s in a safe, engaging environment where she’s not going to find an issue of Walking Dead right next to the Spongebob comics and where she can go up and ask the staff a question without being yelled at for interrupting their Magic tournament. My daughter really looks forward to our bi-weekly trips to the comics store and it’s largely because of the store itself. A good comics store can make all the difference.

Pro Tip #4 – Your Child Will Want to Read a Lot of Crap. Let Them.

I think there’s a nice amount of quality kids’ comics being published today, but your child is not always going to want to read the acclaimed award-winning titles. Sometimes you’re going to go to your local store and, even though you really, really want your child to dive into the newest Tintin reprint, they’re going to want to come home with a Scooby-Doo, Ben 10, or Strawberry Shortcake comic. And, in those situations (sigh), sometimes…you just have to let your kid get what they want.

I’m not saying that you should always give in and let your kid pick the cheesiest piece of corporate toy synergy on the comics rack every time, but there IS something to be said about giving your child a sense of ownership and self-reliance when it comes to reading comics. Yes, most media tie-in comics aren’t very good – Roger Landridge Muppet comics and Mark Waid’s Incredibles comics are notable exceptions – but they’re normally mediocre at the worst and fairly harmless. If buying your daughter a Disney Fairies comic every once in a while helps keep her interested in comics as a whole, that’s a fair price to pay. You might not love all of their choices, but the sheer act of giving them a choice will ultimately help your kid become a more independent comics fan.

Pro Tip #5 – Find Ways to Get Those Acclaimed Award-Winning Titles in Front of Your Kid

But just because your kid is going to read some crap, that doesn’t mean you should give up the fight when it comes to promoting quality graphic literature in your child’s life. Yes, sometimes you have to give up and let them read what they want, but, as a parent, it’s your job to, at least, expose your kid to the kinds of great comic books that they SHOULD be reading as well.

How do you do that? Try finding reputable sources for really fantastic comic book recommendations. Personally, I’m a fan of sites like AMightyGirl.com, which has collected an amazing graphic novel guide aimed at young girls interested in comics, or the fantastic “Great Graphic Novels” list that YALSA, the young adult arm of the American Library Association, puts out every year. And, if those don’t help, I’d try talking to your local youth librarian or the staff at your local comic book store. In my experience, they’re both tremendous sources for smart, knowledgeable recommendations.

Editor’s Note: This is part two of a two-part epic about how dads are portrayed in the Disney Princess movies. Check out part one here!

Recap: As a service to the dads out there struggling with kids who might have a similar affinity for the Disney Princess Industrial Complex, I decided to breakdown how fathers are portrayed in all ten of the major Disney Princess films, if only to point out exactly how low Disney sets the bar when it comes to showing fathers in a positive light onscreen. Disney Princess fathers are largely absent, oblivious, easily manipulated, loathe to accept responsibility, and generally not the sharpest tools in the shed. Their daughters normally succeed in life DESPITE them, not because of them. And, speaking as a dad, I think that kind of stinks. Take a look at ten of the least impressive fathers in film history and decide for yourself if they’re as potentially damaging to a kid as the old-fashioned damsel in distress. Part two after the jump!

Princess: Jasmine from Aladdin (1992)

Father: The exceedingly silly Sultan of Agrabah

What’s Daddy Like?: The third Disney Princess single-dad in a row, the Sultan of Agrabah from Aladdin is a much lighter and more independent figure than poor, frazzled Beauty and the Beast‘s Maurice, but, again, he’s no Cliff Huxtable. The Sultan is, for lack of a better term, a lovable idiot. He’s sheltered, obsessed with toys, easily led, even more easily manipulated, and it’s really no surprise that an ambitious vizier like Jafar saw the Sultan as his one-way ticket to ruling all of Agrabah. He’s the entitled dad, a card-carrying one-percenter, who would be useless without his servants, advisors, or vast fortune solving every problem he encounters. Yes, he’s sweet – which, fine, counts for a lot – but he’s got that same oblivious streak that plagued Cinderella’s dad.

Jafar may be the bad guy, but, at a certain point, you have to blame the Sultan for letting him get so close to the throne (and how the heck did he not notice that the parrot could talk? I mean, c’mon!). That’s not to say that the Sultan is all bad. There are hints that he used to be a formidable person, back when Jasmine’s mother was alive, but maybe he’s since softened with privilege and age. And he does abolish the law that states that Jasmine MUST marry by her 18^thbirthday – an act that would be a wonderful sign of respect and trust in his daughter…if she hadn’t already decided to marry the guy she met on the streets about three days earlier anyway (sigh).

Despite his constant dithering, I’d still choose the Sultan over many of the other princess papas – he, at least, shows signs of having a past (and possibly) future backbone. However, you can’t deny that he’s a bit of a manipulable clown, so, while a fine example of a politician, I wish he was a stronger example of a dad.

Princess: Pocahontas from Pocahontas (1995)

Father: Chief Powhatan

What’s Daddy Like?: Ohhh man…I need to tread lightly on this one. I’ve only let my five-year-old daughter watch Pocahontas once, and I won’t let her watch it again until she’s much, much older. Why? Because the subject matter of Pocahontas is incredibly dicey and I still can’t believe that Disney decided to turn the story into an animated princess film. Why? Because, unlike EVERY OTHER Disney Princess movie, this story is REAL. And, truth be told, the real story is actually rather sad and led to the near genocide of an entire race of indigenous people, so, turning it into a romance and inserting in a wacky raccoon sidekick seems a LITTLE insensitive and INSANE. So it’s incredibly hard, for me, to treat Pocahontas as a work of fiction. Granted, SO many of the factual details are completely fictionalized, but, if you then try to comment on the story like it’s fiction and say something like, “Boy, Chief Powhatan was kind of a jerk,” it feels racially and historically insensitive.

You just can’t win with Pocahontas. So, I’m going to comment on the story very, very broadly (and you can deal with my first world guilt). As a fictional character, Chief Powhatan reminds me of a more stoic version of King Triton. He’s a strong leader and a well-meaning single father who is fairly oblivious to what his daughter actually wants out of life. Rather than turning him into an angry brute (Triton) or an affectionate fool (Sultan), Chief Powhatan gets to remain smart, calm, and in control for most of the film (he does get a few flashes of anger). The only really negative trait he keeps is his obliviousness. And, while I think the screenwriters were very, very conscious of not making the Native Americans into savages or people to be pitied, it is incredibly hard not to look at Chief Powhatan and think, “Man, you have no idea what you’re in for in the very near future.” At the end of the movie, he’s saved by the noble white guy – kind of icky – AND he then tells said noble white guy that, “Hey, you’re always welcome here.” And, thanks to hindsight, you just want to grab Powhatan and scream, “You need to rescind that offer NOW!”

*wince*

Chief Powhatan might be one of the more together Disney Dads, but his whole story is so loaded with cultural weirdness, historical rewriting, and fictionalized details that it’s hard to see him as a character – particularly as a father – rather than just a really uncomfortable Hollywood representation of the completely stomach-churning noble savage stereotype. So… yeah, the less said about Pocahontas, the better.