I firmly feel that everyone has the right to believe whatever they want.

If you believe that the world was created in 7 days and that the omnipotent creator of the universe allowed his only son to be sacrificed to redeem the sins of humanity, good for you.

If you believe that a pantheon of gods and goddesses directly oversee many aspects of life on earth, such as seasons, tides, weather, the harvest and death, more power to you!

If you believe that the universe was sneezed out of the nostril of a giant space goat, I suppose that’s just as valid as any other theory. I’ll come back to this.

Chick-fil-A is a restaurant where Sara and I take the kids when we don’t want to cook, don’t have any left-overs and don’t feel like cleaning up. As far as fast food goes, it’s the only place we go and there are several reasons for this, beyond the fact that McDonald’s is disgusting.

The stores themselves are very family friendly, offering healthier choices in kids meals, such as apple sauce and white milk. Most of them have play places to keep children amused and, during the summers, several of the stores have people making balloon animals and doing face painting for children and very short adults.

This company has done many good things that are in line with conservative Christian dogma. While they are against abortions, they waged a vigorous campaign in favor of supporting adoption.

Not too bad, right?

The company itself run the WinShape Foundation, which runs 11 homes spread throughout the Southeast United States that serve as foster homes for children who are “victims of circumstance and need a secure family environment.”

If one were to boil down the teachings of Jesus to a simple idea, it would be to love and support everyone, especially those less fortunate. This aspect of the WinShape Foundation appears to be a wonderful example of people inspired by the teachings of Christ to do good in the world. Chick-fil-A should be applauded for this.

The only “family” I found on the Chick-fil-A site.

Today, I read an article that states that the president of Chick-fil-A, Dan Cathy, told a Baptist web site that his company supports families as long as they are “the biblical definition of the family unit.” This, in spite of the fact that the only “family” picture I could find on their site seems to be a single mother with her son.

Ignoring the idea that, in spite of what Mitt Romney says, companies are not people and cannot support anything, (only the people who run the companies can support things) I find this statement upsetting.

The rest of the WinShape Foundation time is spent on “enrichment retreats to refuel healthy marriages as well as counselling to help strengthen troubled marriages” and offering camps and courses to local young people to teach them the ways of Christ.

I won’t go into the fact that Jesus never mentions homosexuality at all in the New Testament, or any of the contradicting rules that lie therein (oops). If Dan Cathy believes that homosexuals should not be allowed to marry, that allowing such would be shaking our fist at God and “inviting His judgement,” then he is more than welcome to hold those beliefs.

If he wishes his company to stand for those values, then he may certainly take it in that direction.

I, however, will not be coming along for the ride. Neither will my children.

As a parent, I feel a major part of my job is to teach my children about the world, how to survive in it, and how to help others survive. I know that there is hatred and bigotry in the world. I know that intolerance exists and will always rear it’s ugly head.

Many parents wish to shelter their children from the unpleasantness in the world. They don’t want them to know suffering, or teasing, or hate, or fear. I think this is foolish and short-sighted. Rather than shelter my daughters from the awful things in the world, I hope to teach them that such things do exists, and how to cope.

Intolerance makes me sad!

No matter how a person lives their life, they will disliked, ridiculed, teased, taunted and abused. It is up to us to decide how we deal with adversity. Will we cower in the corner, shouting anger at the world that mistreated us, or will we stand up for ourselves and live the lives we want to live?

I want my children to know that there are people who are made uncomfortable by, dislike, or even outright hate people who are different than they are. This is simply a fact of life and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and prejudices.

Because of this, I will also be teaching my children that we do not have to support those who make decisions based on fear and anger. If Chick-fil-A wishes to oppose gay marriage as a corporate stand, they are allowed to do so.

I will not, however, use my money to support a company that makes decisions based on hatred, bigotry and intolerance. There are simply too many other places to spend my money.

While I strongly disagree with their stance, I will not scold them for having it. I will simply make the statement that they have lost me and my family as customers.

Continuing to support their business would be sending the wrong message to my children, whom I wish to grow up as tolerant and loving individuals.

(This story originally appeared on Justin’s blog)

As I’m sure you all know, I am a deeply religious man. I am constantly prostrating myself before the idol of irony, often involuntarily. I would like to offer up the Commandments by which I attempt to live and parent. I hope that they will be useful to you in your own spiritual journey through parenthood.

I will also state that I don’t follow these nearly as often as I would like because I am a hypocrite and controlled by my emotions.

But I do try.

So, without further ado:

The Ten Commandments of Fatherhood

1 – Thou Shall Suspend Thy Sense of Shame

You don’t have to do this. Really. It’s totally cool if your child grows up without imagination and thinking that you think everything they do is stupid. It’s important for kids to learn early that there is no tea in the toy tea pot and that Mr. Huggles doesn’t walk around the house, crying, waiting anxiously for the child to get home from day care so that they can play together. To this end, make sure that you never let your kid watch any animated movies, or really anything that isn’t a documentary. Even then, nothing from the History Channel. You don’t want them thinking about alien contact, or Stonehenge.

Wait…I think I have that backwards.

DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS! Creativity and imagination stimulate the brain and will give you smarter, more amazing children! You spent your life up to this point building up your street cred for the sole purpose of blowing it all to make your kids feel good and be happy!

Why do you care if the 70-year-old in the sporting goods section of WalMart thinks that you’re crazy because you’re making the peanut butter beg your toddler not to eat it?

So what if you’re wearing mismatched socks, one sandal, one rain boot, a fishing hat, a flannel shirt and biking shorts to return some books to the library? It made your kid happy to pick out your clothes and, to be honest, I’ve seen your reading list. When you take those books back, your wardrobe will be the least of your concerns. (Side note: Checking out Fifty Shades of Gray at the same time as A Brief History of the Whip and anything by Mercer Meyer will get you funny looks no matter what you’re wearing.)

2 – Thou Shall Abandon All Plans

They won’t get done. Kids don’t care about your schedule. They are no respecters of quartz-run, Swedish time pieces, or atomic clocks. They REALLY don’t care what time the movie starts or when your reservations are for. On the contrary! They will save a massive diaper bomb all day in anticipation of your running just slightly late. They know that your wife will spend an extra three minutes chatting with the babysitter and they plan for it.

At the 2:37 mark, they will unleash a torrent of unpleasantness that would have Andy Dufresne crawling back into his cell. They also know that your wife will feel terrible leaving this crotch-strapped sack of unholy passive-aggression for the babysitter to deal with (even though that’s part of what you pay them for…)

You are left with two options at this point:

1) Lie to everyone! If the movie starts at 8, tell them it starts at 7:30. If the reservations are at 7, tell them that the kitchen closes at 6. Build a buffer into your plans. A buffer of lies and deceit.

2) Resign yourself to the fact that your carefully planned evening, the first one with your spouse in 4 months, will end up with you eating take out in your car, parked outside the house of a neighbor who happens to have a particularly large TV near a window.

Your choice!

3 – Thou Shall Let It Go

Author’s Note: I profoundly suck at following this one.

Things can be repaired, messes can be cleaned, clothes can be refolded. Pillows can be put back on the sofa and beds can be remade. Toys can be put back in the toy box. Flour can be cleaned off of the kitchen floor and Vaseline can be cleaned off of the TV stand (eventually).

Kids make messes and those can be cleaned up. Accidents happen. Deal with it. If you can’t, perhaps you should find a new line of work, like building hermetically-sealed boxes.

This leads directly into…

Everyone knows someone in their lives who, when asked what they want for their birthday or Christmas or Hannukah or housewarming or whatever, will reply that they don’t want anything. Usually, these people are being polite and do want something but are either too humble to ask, or it’s too expensive to ask someone to buy for them.

Or they want something weird and don’t want you to know that they want it…

There is, however, one group of people who, when they say “please don’t get anything” are 100% serious: Parents.

This year, when my younger daughter turned 1, we threw her a party. We were inundated with requests for gift suggestions. I have no idea how my wife responded to these queries, but I answered them all the same way. “Your presence is gift enough. Please don’t bring presents.” When it came time to open presents, I hovered in the corner of the room and did not allow any packaging to be opened beyond gift wrap. While this may seem heartless, I assure you, there is method to the madness.

Here is a list of reasons why you should listen when parents say “please don’t buy things for my children.”

1) You Don’t Know What Toys They Hate

When you squeeze them, they say "RED RUM!" in harmonious unison.

A quick Google search will reveal the universal hatred that exists among parents of small children for the woman who voices all of the toys from V-Tech. Her pre-school teacher intonations make kids giggle and make parents want to go on a killing spree that would make Manson cringe and say “Jesus! You need to relax!” We used to have a ball from said company that, if not shut off properly, would randomly scream for someone to play with it. Way too often, we have been woken by the spherical plastic abomination yelling “ROLL ME!!” at 3 am. Said toy now resides in the attic. In a vat of holy water. Surrounded by a ring of salt and candles that must be kept lit at all times. Surprisingly, the upkeep of this setup is less stressful and annoying than the toy.

There are certain toys that are awful and you just don’t know what they are until you’ve had them in your house. Also, not all parents want to pigeonhole their daughters into princess stuff, or their sons into cars and Bob the Builder. On top of this, some parents may have rules about toys that make noise, or don’t foster imagination, which leads right into…

2) They Would Rather Promote Creativity

Some parents don’t let their children watch TV. Some parents have texture issues and don’t want paints or Playdough in the house. Some parents don’t want toys unless they foster imagination and creativity. An example of this would be something like Lego bricks. A child can create anything they have in their minds and there are sets that don’t have predetermined end-products so the child isn’t sent in any particular direction. These help stimulate various centers of the brain that allow children to explore their imaginations in ways that other toys simply stifle. The creativity toys don’t even have to be as open ended as Lego. It could be play kitchens or workbenches where the kid pretends to do whatever they want.

If you do a Google image search for “girls toys” it takes until page 6 until you see something that isn’t pastel. That toy is a plush cake. For “boys toys” you will find mostly cars and construction machines (if you ignore all of the homoerotic links.)

"But I asked for Sleeping Beauty on DVD!"

3) They Think That Outfit Is Ugly

It is a commonly documented fact that people have very different tastes in fashion. What you think is an adorable outfit, may be perceived as though you are hoping the child will be beaten up at day care. There is always that aunt at the holidays who gives you a knitted sweater with the image of a muskrat serenading a moose on the front. You get this gift and have to smile and thank her profusely for her generous gift and keen fashion sense.

This was on the runways in New York last fall...

4) They Are Trying To Teach Their Kid To Appreciate Gifts As Special

"These are all the dolls you brought? Come Gladys, Phyllis, Gertrude! We shall depart this place as it is displeasing to me!"

Our society has become one of instant gratification. It could be that the parents of the child for whom you are buying presents want to instill a sense of appreciation of gifts and an understanding that gift receiving is special and should not be taken for granted.

A child who receives gifts regularly may not appreciate them as much since they know another one will be arriving shortly.

Perhaps that’s why I squander my paychecks…

Lastly, but perhaps the most important:

5) Their House Is Full

"No, seriously! Help me! It's very hard to breathe through 3 feet of Beanie Babies and foam letters!"

Much like the well-intentioned grandparent at a family dinner, what you are offering simply does not have a physical space in which to place it. New parents are given literally thousands of items from books to clothes to toys to As-Seen-On-TV organizer crap. Some of it is new and returnable if you don’t open the packaging for them. Much of it is hand-me-down stuff that holds sentimental value for SOMEONE and is very difficult to leave by the side of the road.

When new parents say “please don’t get them anything” what they may be saying is “GOOD GOD!! I have so many children’s things in my house that I think a Toys ‘R Us may have exploded there!”

- – -

Most people are polite enough to thank you kindly for your gifts. Therefore, it is up to you to ask yourself a questions while wandering the aisles of Target before a party:

“Which would be better for this child: a $20 outfit/toy, or a $20 donation to a college fund?”

Forget higher education! I'm going to Chuck E. Cheese!

(This post can also be found on Justin’s blog)

One of my favorite book excerpts comes from Freakonomics by Steven Levitt, which is a continuation of his paper “The Causes and Consequences of Distinctly Black Names.” He talks about how there are no people in power who have really off-the-wall names that we usually associate with African American youth. He talks about unfortunate children with names like “Female” because the mother thought the doctors had named her when they wrote down the gender. He alludes to other famous stories, such as the brothers, Orangejello and LeMonjello, whose parents named them after two things they had sitting around the house.

Levitt discovers through his complex economic regression that it isn’t the name that makes life hard, but that a bad name is a symptom of a much bigger problem, that being bad parenting. Essentially, if your parents can’t be bothered to come up with a good name for you, most likely, they are going to be negligent parents and you will not get all of the opportunities that will help you succeed.

As a father-to-be, or if you are having more children, one of your first responsibilities to your offspring is make sure that their names are well considered.

This is something that I’ve thought about for years, ever since I knew I wanted to have children. Naming a child should be something on which you spend a considerable amount of time and energy. Some names come easy, like naming them after a dearly departed loved one. Other names can be quite difficult. With this in mind, a few years ago, I made a small list of rules for naming children. They are as follows:

1) No numbers or punctuation (apostraphes, hyphens, etc.)

These names may be original, but there is a reason for that. They are terrible names. They are not creative or clever. They suck. There is a girl in my current district whose name is Le-a, pronounced “La DASH a.” Seriously…

Although, if you wanted to name your son M@, that would be pretty badass…

2) Don’t name the child something that reasonable people will find offensive.

This guy, however, wins.

This goes beyond basic things like “Adolf Hitler Jones” or “Pol Pot Webber.” Don’t just think about pronunciation, but also the implied spelling of your kids name. In Erie, there really is a girl named Shithead, pronounced “Shi-thead.” Seriously…

3) If you have to pause before saying the name, it’s not a good name.

Think about what it will be like for other people to see your child’s name written down somewhere. Remember in school when the teacher was taking roll and got to a name that was tricky? Every kid knew who they were going to call next and it was embarrassing. Seriously…

4) You MUST consider your last name when picking a first.

A coworker of mine went to school with a girl whose last name was Cianci (“SEE-an-see”). Her parents thought it would be a good idea to name her Nancy Ann. Her name was Nancy Ann Cianci. Say it out loud. Even the most benign name can be bad. Even though he grew into a formidable actor, Billy D. Williams had to spend his childhood as William Williams.

The corollary to this rule is to consider possible nicknames in light of said last name. If your last name is Weiner, don’t name your kid Harold.

Some countries, like New Zealand, actually have laws on the books about what you can name your child.

- – -

Naming a child is vital. When in doubt, you can always fall back on Star Wars or Star Trek names, which are of course, the coolest names ever!

I received my first teaching job right out of college. I have been fortunate enough to have had teaching experiences with students who come from all different places on the socio-economic scale. I have had many interactions with the parents of my students, both positive and negative and when my daughter was born, I began thinking more heavily about education from the parental view, as well as the teacher side.

If you happen to be the parent of a child in the public school system, or even someone who doesn’t live under a rock, then you are aware of the current trend of attacks on teachers and teachers’ unions for being greedy, lazy and ineffective, how our schools are failing, and how everyone should put their kids in private or charter schools. There are, however, many aspects of the teacher side that are not told because of either fear of professional reprisal, or because parents simply don’t want to hear them.

Without further ado, I bring you some of the things that the teachers of your children will not tell you at the parent-teacher conferences:

1) Your child is one of 30 in my class, one of 180 on my roster

We care about your child. We want them to be the best that they can be. At the same time, your child is not more important than the other 179 students that we have. This fact is sad, but true. As a parent, I never want to hear this about my child. Of course my kid is more important. And they are! But I only have two children. Your son or daughter’s English teacher has 180.

Always got more than 1.5 minutes.

Since I am a math teacher, I will break down the numbers for you. A typical class period has 45 minutes in it. In a class of 30 students, in order to be fair, I can only spend 1.5 minutes on each student. If your child is not completing their assignments, they are demonstrating that they don’t care about what’s happening in my class and I am more likely to spend my time on a student who does.

This doesn’t mean that they need spend hours studying and memorizing texts. What it does mean is that when a student comes into my class, I expect that they have completed, or at least put a serious attempt into, whatever I assignment I have given. I don’t give homework as punishment. I give it to reinforce the concepts covered in class. I expect my students to bring materials to class, including pencils and notebooks (this is a constant struggle this year).

If they have attempted their homework, they are prepared with useful questions, like “I’m confused on where we get the numbers for the formula” rather than “I don’t get it.” They are demonstrating that they take their education seriously. This tells me that any extra time I spend on their questions and concerns will be valuable to them.

2) Put your child in the hardest class they can handle

There is often the parental debate about whether or not to put the kid into the harder class. It usually goes like this: “I want them to get a good education, but I don’t want them to fail. If they do poorly in Math/English/Science, they will hate the subject and their confidence will be shattered.”

There is a valid argument to be made here, but the pros of being in the harder class outweigh the cons.

First, grades are not all that matter. Colleges would rather see that a student earned a C in an honors course than an A in a remedial course.

Second, in those harder classes, you child will be surrounded by students who may not be smarter than other students, but will have a higher work ethic and more motivation to do well. This will rub off! Conversely, students in the remedial classes may have been told that they are in those classes because they are lazy and dumb and, as a result, their work ethic reflects this. You will never hear a kid in the honors course say “I hate math.” You want your kid to be surrounded by kids who want to do well, for whatever reason.

Third, getting an “A” in a class for just showing up does damage to your kid. They grow to think that they do not have to work for what they get (cue post about how to ruin your kid by giving them everything they want). Working their butts off for an A or a B does wonders for their confidence and shows them that they can do something great if they set their minds to it. If you child is genuinely working hard and earning a “D”, then the class is actually too hard for them. Other than that, it’s not.

Fourth, they can do the work. Kids are incredible. They are smart and creative and wonderful. If you set high expectations for them, they will rise to the occasion and do amazing things.

3) School is not just for students

Education is a group effort, and school is not daycare. The most successful students in my educational experience are the ones whose parents are involved. I don’t mean that you should be a helicopter parent because that is too much in the other direction. Set aside time at home to work with your children on their schoolwork. Ask them about their days and impress on them the importance of trying their hardest, and the importance of school in general. If you see your child struggling with the homework, encourage them to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with needing a little bit of assistance. If you see your child struggling, contact the teacher. We are here to help them succeed and we want them to. If you haven’t heard from us, see point number 1. Teachers, like everyone else, have limited time. We call parents when there is a major problem because we simply don’t have the time to call everyone.

Pic...unrelated?

4) We are not trying to “get” your kid

We are trying to teach your child to do their best, to achieve their maximum potential. We are trying to prepare them for life after school. Putting them in the easiest class, allowing them to turn in an assignment 6 weeks late, or allowing them to roam the halls when they should be in class on time does them a disservice and shows them false realities of being in the workforce. Particularly in the high school, I try to impress upon my students the need to examine their behavior and actions from the view of prospective employers. I ask them to put themselves in the shoes of a future boss and ask them how they would react if an employee of theirs was late to, and unprepared for work. What would they do if an employee did not complete the tasks set before them?

...but it does make for a good plot.

Teenagers often have difficulty setting long term goals and a major role of teachers and parents is to not only help them do so, but also show them how to reach those goals.

- – -

We don’t expect your child to be perfect because, above all, they are children. At some point, however, they will be adults and we are doing our level best to make sure that they are capable, smart and functional adults. We want them to be successful just as much as you do. I promise.

All right-thinking young men, and many right-thinking young women, had dreams of growing up to be Batman. Playboy billionaire by day, stoic ass-kicker at night with all the coolest toys! As we have grown up, VERY few of us have the means to bring these dreams to fruition. As we have become parents, we try to be superheroes for our kids, but we rarely get to wear the cape of “DADMAN!! Defender of naptimes everywhere!!!”

It’s not nearly as glamorous.

One man, however, gets to live his dream!

Last week, police in Maryland pulled over a black Lamborghini with a license plate that was simply the bat symbol. When they asked the driver to get out, it turned out to be Batman! The police respected the hero code of conduct by not making the caped crusader take off his mask and reveal his identity to his arch-enemy, which is this case, is cancer in children.

When pulled over, Batman – or Lenny Robinson to his friends – was on his way back to the batcave after visiting children in hospitals and handing out Batman paraphenalia, to encourage them to beat their illnesses. Here’s a shot of him at one such hospital:

Lenny "Batman" Robinson: the most super of heroes.

When asked by reporters why he does it and how the parents receive him, he responded with:

The parents are beyond extremely grateful and comments that, “this is the first time my son or daughter has smiled in months” –that’s one comment I get a lot. I was at Mt. Washington pediatric center and there was a patient that just sat in wheelchair and had no emotion until I came and then he moved his hands and his feet and his head and came to life. At the end of the day, I say to myself, “Did I make a difference?” I hope the answer is yes.

Not only is Robinson a hero to sick children in the hospital, but he’s also a dad. His son, high school senior, often dresses up as Robin and goes to visit hospitals with his dad. Cool dad, or coolest dad ever? Only history can decide that.

I know that I often struggle to find activities that I can do with my children. I don’t want to be the dad who sits and watches with TV with them. I would much rather be the dad who does community works and teaches my kids to help others. I do know, however, that I will not be Batman.

I will happily settle for being Dadman.

We as Americans value two things more highly than any other. We tout these to the rest of the world as the reason that our country is the greatest on the planet. We give them as reasons for being the object of hate of terrorists and oppressed people everywhere.

More than anything else, we love opportunity! The greatest thing about this country is that everyone has the opportunity to be successful. (Apparently)

The second greatest thing, is the ability to resent those with better opportunities, such as our children. This must be done, however, with the greatest level of efficiency. For, you know, freedom.

Here is a handy-dandy guide to helping parents resent their children in the most effective ways possible.

1. Don’t Ever Set Aside Time for Yourself

Children are the future. We must do everything we can to give them a leg up. This means that the time that you spend at poker games, at the gym, watching TV, checking your e-mail, reading this blog post, or sleeping, is all wasted time. You should be spending every moment, waking or not, playing with, talking to, working for, or otherwise paving a golden future for your kids.

If, in a moment of negligence, you take 30 seconds to relax and reflect upon things in life which are less wonderful than your children, like the latest episode of The Walking Dead, you should be ashamed of yourself. The sound you hear as you turn on electronic devices isn’t a high frequency whine. It’s the sounds of other children getting into medical school ahead of yours.

2. Challenge Them to Almost Anything

With the notable exception of the gentleman behind the Man Vs. Toddler video, if you challenge your child to almost any task, you will lose.

I don’t mean that they will be faster, stronger, or smarter than you, because most likely, they will not be. But you will still lose. Why? Because when the competition is over, they get to go play, or eat dirt, or make hand-turkeys.

You, however, get to go back to work to make money to buy them toys with which they will play while you are at work. In addition, you have the added shame of knowing that you challenged a child to a contest just so that you could feel superior.

Which leads to number 3:

3. Have a Job

Every weekday morning, your alarm clock goes off earlier than you could have imagined. You get up, shower, eat breakfast (maybe), drink coffee (if you’re lucky) and head off to work. Regardless of how much you may love your job, your kids are having more fun than you are.

You’re filing TPS reports, they’re playing cops and robbers on the playground. You’re sitting in a budget meeting, they’re trading their apple for some fruit snacks with the fervor of a coked-up day trader. You’re at work, desperately waiting for the weekend so that you can mow the lawn and do the laundry and paint the house and clean the windows and plant some flowers and go food shopping for the week. They are not at work.

4. Remember Your “Firsts”

Your first kiss, first car, first apartment, first ‘A’ in school, first best friend, first sleepover, first sip of beer, first time falling in love…

You are done with those. Admittedly, you have more “firsts” to look forward to, but they aren’t nearly as fun.

Your first adult diaper, your first pair of black socks with sandals, your first set of dentures, your first anxiety attack when your daughter brings a boy home.

Your first (medically related) prostate exam.

It is despising those who are more fortunate than us that makes this country great! Resent your kids now, before they grow up…

Or the terrorists win.

(Photos courtesy of GettyImages)

Editor’s Note: You can find this article on Justin’s blog alongside his other fatherhood ruminations.