4 – Thou Shall Accept Responsibility For Broken Items

If your kids DO break something that cannot be repaired, or cleaned, or is prohibitively expensive to do so, IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT!

What were you doing letting her play with a string of heirloom pearls in the first place? When the kids wake up, move your open coffee or orange juice away from your laptop! Or better yet, put the laptop away from where they can reach it!

If you have a huge room of toys, your kid will find a hacksaw in the corner and only have eyes for that. Children are hurricanes! They start off with a nice refreshing breeze to lull you into a false sense of security, only to wait until you happily sunning yourself on the beach of parenthood. Then, they bring rain, hail, 200mph winds and pencils that can fly through telephone poles.

They will wreck havoc on your home, bringing shocking amount of destruction to certain parts while leaving others untouched. They will level the neighborhoods of Yourstuff, Expensivethings and Itemsofyourchildhood and, miraculously, Toytown and Stuffedanimalville will remain unscathed.

It happens. If your Faberge egg gets broken, it’s your own stupid fault for leaving it where a toddler could get to it. Take responsibility for broken electronics and family heirlooms with the following phrase: It’s my fault, sweetie. I should not have left that at toddler height.

With that said…

5 – Thou Shall Not Be Afraid To Destroy Thy Home

Kids adore using things for purposes other than what the manufacturer intended. They want to use spatulas and spoons as catapults and they want to use diapers as hats. If you can turn a regular household item into something fun, do it! Worried about the mess? See Number 3! You’ll have a great time and, more importantly, your kids will be tricked into thinking that you’re awesome!

If you spend 10 minutes building a pillow fort and the kids want to knock it down and have you have build it again, YOU DO IT!

6 – Thou Shall Abandon Nutritional Ideals

Remember when you were a child in a ’50′s era TV drama and came in from playing baseball behind the old McNulty place only to find that mom had, once again, made a dinner you didn’t want?

“Gee wiz, ma! Tuna casserole again?”

“Gosh, Tommy! I slaved all day over a hot stove and you’ll eat what I put on your plate, or so help me, you’re father will hear about this when he gets home!”

“I think it’s just the tops, Mrs. K!”

“Thank you, Richie! You’re very polite! Tommy, you could learn a thing of two from this young man!”

Or something like that.

The point is, you’ll plan all sorts of ideas for meals and your kids will throw all of it on the floor except the bread. Balanced meals to a toddler only means that they don’t overturn the high chair. Offer them what you want them to eat, but be prepared for them to scoff at your choices, starting at birth.

“Curse you, mom! I don’t want left-boob! I’m a right-boob only baby!”

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