5 Places NOT To Take A Toddler

There’s ‘an hilarious’ article up on the Rants From Mommyland that goes into detail about WHERE you should NOT take a toddler. It lists the 5 places as:

  1. The pediatrician
  2. The barber shop
  3. Shoe shopping
  4. The library
  5. A restaurant

I read it, and I really wanted to like it so I could begin my day on a positive note and bait it like The Consumerist and say OH SNAP TOTES TRUTH BITCHES!!1one!… but I just can’t.

The Consumerist blogger, Mr. Phillip, invites you on this fantastic voyage with the first set of gentle (yet manly) key strokes, “Some parents think its adorable for their tykes to scream their ABCs in public or use waiting room chairs as jungle gyms. Most others, though, are simply annoyed by the presence of unruly rugrats and would rather not be subjected to their antics while they try to take care of business.”

Damn you, children… YOU USELESS PUSTULES. If ONLY there were suitable mentors to assist in the disciplining of these barbaric and soulless monkeys then ALL of our problems would cease to exist and NOT have to be treated with alcohol and prescription drugs!


The main issue I have with Guru Louise‘s article is it suggests that children should not play a role in society; that you have to magically merge back into an alternate universe where doing all the shit you used to do before you had kids is still entirely possible.

There’s one paragraph that really stood out to me – she writes about visiting the library, “When we’re the only visiting family then our clamor reverberates through the whole building. Last week my daughter got yelled at for running through the stacks while my son was simultaneously de-shelving every single DVD in the children’s section, wildly searching for Bob the Builder. Good times, good times. You can go suck it, library.”

I don’t think the library is the problem, sweetheart. The library is innocent; same thing with the shoe store:

So I picked up all her stuff and wheeled everything to the front of the store and she started telling me how embarrassed she was…and I just said, “Sweetie, it’s not you. It’s the shoe store. It makes children evil.” Then my son smacked some other kid in the eye with a foot measuring device and we had to leave with no shoes. EVIL.

Blaming a public business for your children’s behavior is such a huge ego preserving deflection from any form of parental responsibilities. Deal with it.

So no one’s claiming studies or statistics in Louise’s rant, and it appears to be all in good fun, such as the male junk shot, “my daughter was gesturing and telling a story in an animated way and accidentally punched a waiter in the nuts as he was passing by with a tray of drinks”.


So maybe her experience is echoed by other stay-at-home-moms? Maybe she’s the one that sucks at disciplining her kids? What do you think?

Tell us in the comments below!

VIA Consumerist

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Author: Bryan Ferguson View all posts by
Bryan is a musician and filmmaker. He has one daughter and one son who was born May 4th, 2013. He spends his days surrounded by scientists in Malibu when he's not creating music or fighting for the First Order.
  • Sarahzim

    So I have to say there’s a balance here.   Parents need to parent their children so they know what is appropriate behavior in public  Of course, to teach your kid how to act appropriately in a restaurant, guess what?   You have to actually go to a restaurant….At the same time, there needs to be a certain level of acceptance toward the antics of children at places where one might expect children:  the pediatrician (for example), certain restaurants, and the library during story hour.        That said, we didn’t go to restaurants that didn’t have playgrounds with my kids essentially between 12 months – 2.5 because there is no controlling, restraining or reasoning with them. 

    The lack of parents’ willingess to parent continues to astound me.   On a mesasage board I participate in with mom’s who have kids the same age as my 2.5 year old, a mom recently posted something like “Oh Sh!T, my baby figured out how to unfasten his car seat straps and does it while I’m driving….what do I do???”   Said mother also what I hope was jokingly suggested taping the harness shut.    Um, hello????? What do you do?   You teach your freaking kid that unbuckling their seat belt is a huge safety concern and will in no way shape or form be accepted.   I had to pull the car over once to convey that message to mine.    Seriously.  WTH is wrong with people.   Even the best kids and parents have bad days sometimes.   The key there is how the situation is managed.   If your 3 year old knocks over the cereal display at the grocery store, they’re going to help pick it up.   If your toddler starts throwing a tantrum and slinging mashed potatoes all over applebee’s, leave a generous tip and get the heck out of you as fast as you can.

    • Totally agree. And I like how you put “Even the best kids and parents have bad days sometimes. The key there is how the situation is managed.”

      That’s parenting.

      You know, and maybe it’s the brave new world of the internet too, but it seems that some more and more parents are relying on blogs and parenting sites to figure shit out as if they were GPS assistance to get them to a destination. God help them if they actually had to get somewhere on their own.

      Reminds me of the South Park episode where there’s no internet to figure out why there’s no internet. http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s12e06-over-logging

      • Sarahzim

        Apparently the internet has also reduced the requirement to proofread, spell check, and punctuate.   My post is causing my english teacher to roll over in her grave.  

    • Our kid learned how to unbuckle the harness. My answer? The fucking car STOPS until that shit is re-buckled. No fuss, no fucking around, no yelling back and forth. I pull the car over, turn around, let my son know that unbuckling his harness is UNACCEPTABLE and dangerous, and that if it continues, [INSERT SOME TIME-RELEVANT THREAT HERE].

      Parents are completely unwilling to parent. We’ve made a society that’s afraid to put their foot down in the fear that we’re going to fuck up someone’s freedoms, and in the meantime, forgotten that without a baseline set of rules, we don’t know when we’re out of control.

      Thanks for reading and commenting Sarahzim! We’re looking forward to butchering your name on our show Sunday!

      • I know Sarah, so I think we’ll nail her name. 🙂

        • Whatever you pronounce it as, I’m doing the opposite. If you go long vowel sounds, I’m going short.

  • lucymfel

    I have walked with my nephews all over our island when they visit and they know our rules will be the same at home or in public or in their house in CT. This lady is playing the Ay Bendito card which in Spanish means have pity on me because I have children that don’t know how to act in public or my house for that matter. How are children supposed to learn how to behave in a restaurant if you don’t take them? I remember loving to go to a restaurant as a kid because I was treated extra special. I would order my Shirley Temple and it was like playing house. It also helped that mom and dad explained before hand that house rules are no different than being in public. Regards Lucilla Mercedes Feliciano aka Lucy aka LucyMFel