8BD Original Story
Lay Off My Tomatoes: A Story of Testicular Fortitude

(picture by Alan Sailer sans caption) Cole Gamble at The Good Men Project put up a story about how having a son has opened his mind about all things penis. I thought I’d weigh in on the idea, as I had been ruminating on the same topic lately. Gamble talks about how to a baby, their junk is a magical toy that never gets boring. To the onlooking parent, you think “god, that’s got to hurt.” As my son prepares to turn two years old, I’ve come to realize that his whole life has more or less been all about his junk. His pickle, his onions…the whole little sack of veggies. And occasionally (read: daily), it’s about my junk too, since he spends a lot of our playtime crushing my salad bar.

This isn’t going to get much prettier, so if you’re not into nut jokes, your ride ends here. On the bright side, if you love crotch humor – continue!

My wife is not much different than Gamble’s wife; when my son first “found” his…ahem…business, he worked it like he was auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis. It was terrible. There he was on the changing table, having the lion’s share of himself. And there we are, my wife and I, looking like we saw a ghost. A ghost made of penis, probably. My wife, who has gone through all of the appropriate state-mandated sex ed courses, asked “are they going to pop?”

Pop, serious. She thinks they’re filled with pressurized gas. But in her defense, if a testicle was going to be in danger of balloon-bursting, it’d look like this. The boy was staring at us, with no more than one-eighth of a smile, and so wide-eyed that you could see the center of the universe in him. We awkwardly went back and forth between looking him in the face and watching him “boyhandle” himself. My wife finally exploded into “SICK DUDE,” and the moment was over. We finished changing him, put him on the ground so he could scamper off, and then I grabbed my wife and held her. In retrospect, I don’t know why I did it – I think she just needed support at that moment, since chicks don’t understand what it’s like to have your pieces on the outside.

Almost any other father will tell you about the other notable moments, such as: My kid “finds” himself in the bath and won’t let go. I think I saw him double the length once; it took me to my knees. And once my boy realized that his diapers aren’t chained onto him, his hands go in whenever possible. Let’s not go into what happens after he begs for “powder” while being changed; I’ll just say that we somehow didn’t have to teach him to rub it in.

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Author: Zach Rosenberg View all posts by
is married and has one son. You can also find his writing on HLN, The Good Men Project and The Huffington Post. He is an avid gamer, rides unicorns, and loves rainbows.